Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.

Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade! Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

I cannot brain today. I have the dumb.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." ~ Jack Handy

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." ~ Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." ~ Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." ~ Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." ~ Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." ~ Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" ~ Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." ~ Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." ~ Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" ~ Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." ~ Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." ~ Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." ~ Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" ~ Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." ~ Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a member of Congress..... But I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." ~ A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" ~ Dave Barry

19) “Do you know why they call it ‘PMS’”? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. ~ Unknown, presumed deceased

They Walk Among Us...

Author(s) Unknown

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does t he sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us!!!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!!!!!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".. They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

====================
They walk among us, AND reproduce!

The Top 10 Unintentionally Worst Company URLs

Attn: Entrepeneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: http://www.speedofart.com/

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at http://www.gotahoe.com/

"Furat" de pe http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/

NEW WORDS FOR 2009

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere):

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
********
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

He said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Why Teachers Get So Frustrated...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse with out one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil's, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.